I have always had a problem with New Year’s resolutions, both sticking to them and only picking one. At the end of the year, everyone turns to each other and talks about what they want to change about themselves in the coming year. And these conversations are never simple for me, because there is always so much I want to change. One thing is always connected to something else, so my New Year’s resolution becomes a parent goal of many smaller sub goals. I aim to achieve all of these goals, and it becomes too much to handle.
I believe that is part of the reason why my resolutions always fall through. However, the larger contributor to their downfall is lack of motivation. Somehow, it is just so easy for me to fall back into routine, into what feels “safe”. Safety is programmed into our bodies and minds. We want to feel safe, have wanted to ever since we were hunters and gatherers. Today, we want to feel safe in different areas of our lives: safe in our jobs, our relationships, our daily activities. I find it hard to feel motivated about something new, exciting and potentially terrifying because it isn’t as warm and comforting as my current position in life.
I know that to achieve any of my resolutions for this year, I need to break free of this slumber, venture out beyond the veil of security and really get motivated. But something in my gut is telling me that this is the year that I have to give in to change, and let it show me where my life is headed. I need to relinquish some of the iron-fisted control I have over my life, as frightening as it seems. I am going to have to put myself out there, where others can see me. Standing unflinching under the scrutiny of others and not letting it bring me down is scary. Criticism is scary.
This year, I finally want to get a glimpse of who I am, and where this journey is taking me. I want to make writing more prominant in my life and see what becomes of it. I want to write more guest blogs, write more creative pieces, and write more often on this blog, too. I chased the dream of writing for years, from terrible poetry in high school to courses in college, and then something happened; I was so used to having structure guiding me that being thrust into life threw me off balance. I feel that creative writing is meant to be a large part of my life, and I can’t let that dream get away.
I also felt lost spiritually for a long while (not religiously, spiritually). I came across the results of an “abundance quiz” that I took earlier last year and saved in my email, and the message was right there: while I felt the most abundant in my relationships, I felt the least abundant in my spiritual life. Though I see myself as someone who is quite spiritual in belief, that aspect of my life is still suffering. It needs to find a permanent place in me, and I truly feel that this lack leeches off of other aspects of my life. Meditation and yoga are just some of the ways I hope to come back to myself spiritually.
You could say that the short list of my New Year’s resolutions is that I want to write more, meditate daily and practice yoga several times a week. I want to grow as a writer, post at least once a week on this blog, and find more places to guest post and showcase my work. I want to produce more creative writing, both fiction and nonfiction. I want to figure out the next step of my career (let’s face it, customer service at a pet store is not my endgame). I want to learn to have faith in the universe (and in myself) that I am destined for something extraordinary. But that’s only the short list. Do you see my problem?
What are some of your resolutions this year? Maybe they are less convoluted than mine!